arwaio

What love is called?

2011-06-18T20:29:00.001-07:00

What love is called when love is not love?

Since it’ll bring the ill of a heart destruct

This red wound is rotten - at me you laugh

it used to be lovely - now no more attract

How can’t I surrender when nothing remain?

Firstly love gave heaven cheesy pleasure

The break of the heart turns love into pain

Do I still love you then - I doubt it for sure

My honey bunny sweetie bumblebee

Your kiss bruised not my lip or my neck

Right on this heart, poison of you will be

Unable to be cured, there’s no way back

What love is called when it brings no peace?

Rusty knife which can destroy the Aegis

haryo dimasto kristiyanto

064214015

LIFE SUCK

2011-06-18T20:09:00.000-07:00

Life Suck!

It’s my story, my name is El, and I am just an ordinary person. I am 18and the first child in my family. We lived in a small wooden house, in a small town named Sorrow. I have one sister named Day. She is 8 years old now. She is still young but brilliant. My father is a craftsman and he made all the stuff in our house by his own. He is a strong person. His hair is as same as mine, dark brown and curly. People say that we are just the same; with a pointed nose and sharp eyes sigh. I’m really proud of him, and someday I want to be like him. My mom is a maid in the Dianne house. Actually, she is the best mom in the world. She always takes care of her children even she was so tired. She loves singing, and she has a beautiful voice. Fortunately, I inherit her ability on singing.

It was another beautiful Sunday in my life and today was Day’s birthday, 28^th September. It was not really birthday party actually, it just a small but special dinner. Mom had prepared all the food since this morning. We sat together in the kitchen and dad came to the room and he brought a small box, it’s a present for Day,

“Happy birthday, honey”, Dad said.

Day smiled. It’s the biggest smile that I have ever seen before, “Thanks Dad, Mom, El, I love you all!” and she kissed me.

After eating we got to sleep.

I lay on my bed, reflecting what happened in this day, gave thank to God for everything he gave. I could see the crescent pile white moon from my bed through the window. I think that this night was special, don’t know why. Then I closed my eyes.

I opened my eyes for I got a nightmare, something red try to eat me, and eat my family. I woke up and wet. This nightmare was going to be true. My house was burnt. I ran. The one I could see was my mother, she cried and scared. I came to her and we looked for Day to wake her up. When we came to her small bed, she’s not there. I was panic at that time.

“Day, where are you?” I yelled.

“Day, O baby…” My mom called her name and began to cry.

There’s no sound of Day’s. It’s getting hot there and I thought that I have to save my mom first. Turning back my body, I saw a small cupboard. But there’s nothing in my mind. Later I knew that Day was there, and I felt so sorry I didn’t check it. We kept on moving. I hope that Day had already with my father.

The room full of smog. I felt my lungs were also burnt. I hug my mom closer. We were trapped, could see nothing but smog and fire. Then everything was getting worse. I thought that we’re going to die. CRUSH! The ceiling felt down over my head.

Again I opened my eyes. I lay on a white bed.

“I’m in a hospital” I talk to my self. Suddenly I think about my family. I wonder if they are safe. Someone comes through the door. It was Cha, A woman at 30, she is pretty and charming.

“Hi El, You have already wake up. Are you ok?”

She wore a white cloth; I thought that she is a doctor.

“Who are you?” I answered with a question.

“I’m Cha, your doctor.” She smiled at me.

“Where are my dad, mom, and how about Day?” I asked her.

“I’m so sorry El, but we can only save you.”

I am shocked. I think that it’s not fair. Why did it happen? I cried.

Days in hospital, lying on my bed, was so painful. Knowing that I have no family, I have nothing remain but my life. I began to think how to get out from this hospital, how to pay the fee. I prayed and I hope God would help me. I believe that for certain.

I didn’t know how it happened, but God gave his answer. Getting better condition, I lived with the doctor, being adopted. She paid everything, I didn’t know for what reason she done that.

It was a gloomy morning when for the first time I realized that I was going to lose my sight. The accident in the burning house, bring another effect. I was so desperate, so desperate till I couldn’t smile even she tried to cheer me up. I was too sad to be seen. “I lost my family, I lost my life, and now I am going to lose my sight.” I cried in the night. It’s hard to believe in God anymore. I thought that He was playing his trick on me.

Slowly but sure, it happened. I lost my eye sight. Everything became dark. I felt that I was in danger all the time. The sounds of the world became more cynical. The sound of wind was more painful. Whispering, “It’s better for you to die!” from my bed, I could imagine the flowers insulted me, grinned at me.

I have no more hope of everything. I stopped hoping, I stopped praying. I ever think that it must be better if I ended my life but I was not that brave to end my own life. One day Cha told me that I could be cured by some new treatment. At first I didn’t response her advice; I think that it’s just a lie. No one could cure my life; no one could bring my family back to live. But she persuaded me, and again I didn’t know how she could change my mind.

The spring came, and it didn’t bring any good news. I started my treatment, but it didn’t work well. I was still not able to see. I could see nothing but the darkness. I thought that it was useless. Sometimes when I was so sad and desperate, I sat down in the corner f my bed and began to sing.

Oh flowers in the garden

Why are you so cynical?

I’m just do nothing in my bed

Why do you still hate me?

I knew that Cha was sad when she saw me in this condition. I knew it. I could feel it. One night I heard she called someone. She talked on the telephone. She looked for the information to cure my eye. I was touched, remembering that I was nothing for her. I’m neither her family nor his son but she tried to cure me, to treat me, to love me.

In the morning she came to my room, said that she knew the way to cure me. “El we can cure your eye!” Then she told me about her friend. She said that there is one way to bring my eye sight back; eye surgery.

“But we have some problem, it cost so much money and we don’t have it any” she added.

I almost cried of happy hearing her good news, but after she said the cost I didn’t imagine that I could be cured.

Suddenly she had an idea; she thought that I had beautiful voice, and for my ability we could get the money. I said yes for her advice.

Finally we recorded my voice. Trying to sell this recorder to the house production was not an easy thing. We kept on trying. We hoped that it would work well; we got the money so I could be cured. One day, I remember while we were waiting for the contract agreement, we were so nervous and afraid. I was sure that this time we would get the contract. Cha was on her duty in hospital, so I went alone to the company by taxi. She took the taxi for me. I have imagined that everything was under control till I realized that the diver is little bit insane on driving. I heard a long horn “Baaaaaam” then everything became dark, again.

Now here I am, standing in font of my grave. It’s written El Pachinno (1986-2004). Being spirit of nothing and facing that everything is just like a story tale. Waiting in a line, I don’t know where I will be taken.

Oh flowers in the garden

Why are you so cynical?

And now I dead

Do you still hate me?

Haryo Dimasto Kristiyanto

064214015

21 september 2010 - pun saya...

2010-09-21T07:27:00.000-07:00

seorang sahabat pernah berkata pada saya bahwa 'you might be a psychopath'..

and i think that he is right know..

ketika seseorang berusaha melihat apa yang seharusnya tidak ia lihat..

mencari tahu apa yang sesungguhnya berada di balik tabir..

sesuatu yang disebut 'privasi'.

sedikit saya mencuri kesempatan itu, mengintip...

dan sedikit intipan itu mengungkapkan hal yang lebih besar..

ada kalanya kebahagiaan bisa hadir dengan ketiadaan,,,

ketiadaan emosi negatif yang masih memborgol sesuatu di otak saya,,,

pun ketakutan-ketakutan yang berubah menjadi teror dan kemudian mengancam..

kebahagiaan yang saya curi lihat.. jauh dari kebusukan pikiran-ku..

di tempat lain kebahagiaan itu ada...

dan saya rasa 'anda berhak atas kehidupan yang normal,,

pun saya..'

2010-05-05T10:02:00.000-07:00

untuk kesekian kalinya di dalam hidupku setelah mengenalnya, aku mengalami kesedihan ini. ketakutanku merasa kehilangan menjadi hal yang nyata...aku tidak kehilanganya memang...secara fisik dia ada..dan tetab ada...
aku takut kehilangan hatinya..
tapi aku bukan seorang pencuri ulung,.yang mampu terus menerus mencuri hatinya..

dan untuk kesekian kalinya..ketakutanku ini menjadi nyata..
bukan karena aku tidak dapat menyentuhnya lagi,..tapi sekeping hatiku yang kutitipkan padanya sepertinya tidak hangat lagi..
memang keinginanku untuk memilikinya terlalu besar dan diluar akal pikiran..that almost impossible!!!! entahlah..karena selama ini dia membuatku nyaman ditengah ketidaknyamanan...
mampu membuatku berkata ya, padahal aku telah betekad untuk berkata tidak..hahah..

entah aku merasa sedih..

...

2010-02-25T08:47:00.000-08:00

ketika menjadi asing di negeri sendiri..
ketika waktu yang terlewat merubah mimpi...
dan mengejar mimpi berarti meninggalkan kesenangan..

ketika kesenangan lama menghampiri,
kejutannya menyenangkan...
namun kemudian berubah memuakkan,..

menjadi sama seperti sampah,,
atau koreng yang belum kering benar..
memaksa mimpi berjalan sendiri..
ditemani sepi dan kelam..

hilang..

2010-01-23T19:34:00.000-08:00

HilaNg, lenYap, aTau apaPun nAmAnya…

KupejaMkaN Kedua MatakU sebentAr, dan KubayAngkan kegelApaN yang nyenyAp…

Getir….

sEkalI laGi aKu taKUd kehiLangAN dia yang beGitu kusaYang, Yang baHkan

Batas-Sayang-nya taK kuKetahUi…

AtAu MungKin BukaN sayang, taPI N A F S U ?

YanG haNya memeNtinGkan egO-KU semaTa,

lAlU mempErkosaNya dengAN kehenDak

LIArkU..

entAH…

taKut, saNgaT takUt…

aKU merusAKnya, menjAdikan dia YanG beGitU

semPurna PAda AwaLnya.MenjAdi KepiNG-kepiNg yang berbedA…

yAng membUatNya Tag pernaH laGI menjAdi sAma..

Aku Takud keHilaNgan…

bOhoNg

2010-01-23T19:19:00.001-08:00

BOhOng,

akU telaH berboHOng Pada HatikU, kekasiH jiwaKu,

keboHongaN PutIh sepUtih bUbuK shAbu, yAng menYayaT perLahaN,

TapI menIMbuLkan lUKa, raDanG, BusuK akhInya…

akU terTAwa…

Culas dan LicIk, penUh kemenAngan YanG seMU…

MengGangaP bOHOngkU MenaNg, daN bertAhan,

Hahahaha…..Aku BOHONG….

nothing...

2010-01-23T19:15:00.001-08:00

Know nothing.

Nothing.

No ?

Thing no..

On..

One..

No one..

Do i..?

Nor you..

Must hate..

What ever..

I ever..

So that..

Not possible,,

No line..

Such kind of pessimistic,,

And Ironic..

No..

Still know bout nothing…

dan ketika...

2010-01-17T02:07:00.000-08:00

dan ketika..

pada detik ini..

kurasakan lagi..

apa yang dulu telah pergi..

dan ketika..

ku tahu apa yang seharunya tidak..

menjadi asing di negeri..

berada di sini..

diantara dua hati..

dan ketika..

akhirnya ku mengerti..

bersembunyi di dalam sepi..

lari...

lagi...

ingin...

2009-09-06T08:25:00.000-07:00

aku ingin menyapanya..
namun ternyata aku tak bisa..
cukup mengenang indahnya dia,
gelak candanya....

sepenggal kata..

2009-03-10T07:43:00.000-07:00

O_o kalau enam bulan lagi aku bertambah gendud, kamu masih suka engga?

X_X sekarang saja aku sudah tidak suka...

O_0 ......

aku duduk di bawah meja itu...

2009-03-01T08:12:00.000-08:00

sekarang aku cuma bisa duduk di bawah meja, sama seperti seseorang yang dulu kukecewakan...aku menggoreskan luka di dagingnya..dan ternyata lukanya sama dengan lukaku...bahkan kemudian kusadari sakitnya...menganga...

kemarin dulu..aku menyakiti dia, seorang yang lain, yang menyayangiku..dan aku mencampakkannya...aku terlalu sombong untuk jatuh kedalam pelukannya...
ogah kataku..walau aku ingin..

dulu, kemarin, dan sekarang, sejak pertama ku mengenalnya, ia yang sekarang menumpahkan karmaku...aku mengecewakannya, aku memerintahnya seperti raja yang memberi titah pada budaknya..

tapi roda berputar...remnya tag ada padaku...

kutengok kebelakang...aku jahat.

sekarang, aku duduk di bawah meja, aku menyesal...

...

2009-01-29T00:57:00.000-08:00

i miss the way you look at me..
i miss the way you touch..
i miss u..

ketika...

2009-01-16T06:03:00.000-08:00

Jumat, 16 Januari 2009.

ketika pucuk dicinta ulam (batal) tiba..
sesuatu yang sedikit (banyak) menyakidkan, aku duduk sendiri di depan monitor. menulis kata demi kata untuk menuangkan kesedihan. saat dua manusia yang (mungkin) berkomitmen untuk bersama, namun kemudian salah satunya (atau keduanya) tidak lagi bertahan untuk komitmennya masing2, ini yang menjadi pikiranku.
keduanya egois, satu siti tak mau mengalah dan mengerti-lain pihak menahan benci dengan amarah, dan keterpaksaan untuk mengaku salah.
"ya aku yang salah", itu bagianku untuk dikatakan...
"apa salahku?," itu bagiannya..

kemudian apa yang kurang? komunikasi? oleh apa?

terlalu banyak aku berpikir negatif, dan akhirnya menjadi penyakidku...

./pif.

satu hal, aku tag pernah menyesal...(sedikid, mungkin iya..)

do i know?

2009-01-07T10:37:00.000-08:00

now i know..

what it's wrong with me..

the thing that i know for sure i am right is that i always wrong..

Sad Chair

2008-11-24T03:53:00.000-08:00

This room is cold and freeze and dark
sad chair stands in corner
Rose blooms but still it brings no spark
Red haired comes-sat on her

Now hear a crack starts to be crushed
breaks like Things Fall a Part
How dear it happens to be trusted?
Ouch-red haired is too fat

Rush

2008-11-24T03:50:00.001-08:00

Rush rush rush
Lazy monkey, I woke up late
Brush brush brush
Starve lion, no time for a plate

Rush rush rush
Running as cheetah, too many traffic jams
Crush crush crush
The brain of owl; at 7.00 I have exams!

Rush rush rush
quiet as grave this is my school
Used used used
No use; it is Sunday! I fool.

It’s hard to write four stanzas

2008-11-24T03:42:00.000-08:00

My mind is just like a dart
That meets the end of the doom
Find how it is hard
To write four stanzas of poem

Wish to become a bard
Sing free, write song best
But still how it is hard
To write four definite stanzas

My hand is frozen and stays unmoved
Holding one sticky pen on a white ice paper
Frustrated how it is hard
Write four stanzas, I suffer!

Close the eyes, pray for a word
Will dance on the slight line
And how great is the lord
For the stanzas are done.